Growing....up i guess.

Do you ever wonder how some people get so more lost then others? Lost in alcohol, drugs, money, hate, anger...i mean the list goes on. It is almost like once you dive in there is oil poured on top of the water and a fire it lit. Forever drowning. How do such awful things have such an impact on us? What makes us so unable to say no? To say...I am so much better than what I am doing.

How do we lose sight in the things that really matter? Like the ability to laugh, or love. Being able to look and find comfort in one person? or that one outlet that you have? I do not even call myself perfect. I am farther from perfect then anyone could be, but I would like to think that I learn from my mistakes. I try to make the best decision I can make at that time.

When is enough, enough? When do we walk away from someone that is "unhelpable"? How do we determine who is unhelpable? I have heard that in a time of need is when you need to show people that they matter, but what if you can't handle them? What if walking away is your last resort? How do we make these decisions? When is it over?

Walk for Cures...

I don't think I have ever really thought about how many amazing things happen and are given to me everyday. I have an amazing set of friends that are always here for me whether I want them to be or not, a great family who is not always functional but a dang good time, and many of my own great qualities. Life is good.

Today, I walked for children with cancer. It had an amazing turn out, and even my hero Herky the Hawkeye was there (not to mention there was no cyclone). The little boy we went to support, Will Krueger, is such an amazing kid. He is reason alone to do something selfless for one morning. With every smile I feel like he says a thousand words. He has amazing strength, that I wish I even had half of. Days like today just put me in my place, and open my heart to those who really need help. Will, thank you for being such a light in my life and such an inspiring person. I love you and am going to try to help as much as possible.

Either Change....or Be Changed

Things just come at you all the time...and you either can embrace the change or have it completely take over you. Dk just found out yesterday that his body doesn't digest wheat. I made an executive decision that I am going to try to stop eating it too, so I can be more of a help than a burdon. I mean I love bread more than anything, but I am going to do this for him.

I feel like so much is going on all the time. Next Saturday we are having a girls night and I couldn't be more excited. Except Mary won't be there which makes me sad. I know she is with me everyday, but sometimes it't just not enough. I wish she was just a block away, and I wish she would just move home. I know she can't. I respect her for what she is doing. I am just being selfish. Ever since she left, I just feel like a little part of me died. It sucks. But best friends for life...right! I have the best friends in the world and I know that. Always room for more :)

never be too sure

In this day and age, it is almost too easy to let life get in your way. Honestly, I am that person most of the time. I let myself get wrapped up in the drama of work, friends, family....I mean whatever it is I get sucked right in. If that doesn't get me, my busy schedule gets me down. Yesterday my eyes were opened by the one person who opens them everytime, DK.

I am so lucky that I can afford to go to school, and that I have a job. I have the best friends on the freaking planet, and an amazing boyfriend that I could throw a mountain in front of and he would climb it to help me. I take these things for granted everyday when I feel depressed or sad. I got a slap across the face to make me realize that I need to play the game as a team and not an individual. Selfish, being unkind, over analizing, and angry just get in the way of living the way we are supposed to. Never be too sure someone will always be there, never be too sure that you're right, never be too sure that God isn't trying to teach you something. Just be sure you are giving a 100%, and be sure that you are playing the game of life with your heart and not your head.

woops! 2010 here we come 18 days late....

I can not believe that it is 2010...the past few years have flown by. I have started school again and grown up a lot, made some awesome new friends, and made some really difficult descions. Life has a way of moving on whether you want to it to or not...

The descions that you are forced to make sometimes determine how the rest of your life is going to go. However...lately I have realized that relationships are work. ALL OF THEM. I have a very hard time not arguing with people but a wise person said to me once that " you shouldn't fight with an idiot because then their are two." Needless to say that she was right. This year I have decided that I want to be more aware of how other people think whether I agree or disagree. I also want to loose some weight. So far I have started eating a lot better and have stopped drinking soda. It feels good. I also would like to stop focusing on the negitive all the time and focus on the positive. I have the ability to get sucked into the drama without even knowing. I just want to be done with that. Time to grow up right??

Deleted

Today I went ahead and did something I honestly thought would never happen. I deleted my facebook account. I know it sounds like something minor to most people however, I think my life somewhat revolved around that dumb thing. I mean think about it...if you are on facebook, more than likey you facebook stalk more that once a week, maybe even more than once a day. I don't feel the need to keep my "friends" up to date with what is going on with my life. If you are my friend more than likely you are in the pictures and are in the activites that I talk about. Why should I be providing people with ammunition to spread lies about me and my friends? The littlest misread comment and the next thing I know I am pregnant. PLUS, why is it any of my business how my "friends" are throwing their lives away? Facebook in the long run lately has been making me more mad than anything else. STUPID. So...for now dueces facebook.

16 and Prego

I want to start a charity. To me there is something not right about turning on a talk show and they have 14-18 year old girls who want to have children. CHILDREN ARE NOT A JOKE. Having a child, as dumb as it sounds, is a life commitment. How do these people not think about their choices? How do you not realize that you are about to be responsible for someone else?

I work in a daycare. I love those kids to death. However it makes me realize that some "adults" at 30+ are NOT ready to have children, so what would ever make me think that someone that is 16 is ready? I want to be able to give these kids a place to go to talk to someone because if they can't talk to their parents then no one is probably talking to them. A child is a full time job, and you can't just decide you don't want to go sometimes. I know that I am preaching to the choir on this, but I want to help these girls. I want to be able to show them that you have to be selfless, honest, and be in love with this baby.

I can not change the whole world, but I can start right here in Des Moines. I can not speak for every 16 year old out there, and I can not speak from expierence. But I can tell you that I want to help. I want to listen, and I want to understand. I guess maybe I can't show people everything that they need to know, but I can let these girls be the kids that they are. If they are pregnant, I want to help. I don't have all the money in the world, but all you need is love. Right?

LOVE is actually ALL around

With the Holidays here, I have been feeling more stressed than regular. I get like this every year. Maybe it is because I just get over emotional, or the stress of trying to balance all the family stuff and friend stuff. Then this year to top it off I have finals to worry about and my job. I realize that I can do all these things probably way better than I give myself credit for.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone. I feel like this has been the best year, and I am so thankful for everything that God has so graceously given me. I often wonder what I have done to deserve the things that I have. God has blessed my life for what reason, who cares. A few days ago was Thanksgiving. I had to work which really was not my first choice to start the day off. To top things off that meant I had to miss Georgia's dinner. I was off to a rocky day, but I left work and went over to Marc and Jen's. You know there is something about Zoya that just brings a smile to my face. Everyone was there when I got there Jake, Ben, Marc, Jen, Gram, John, Zoya, and Dk...Instantly Zoya (as Jen would say) hung on to me like a qualia bear. I don't know what about that is awesome, but the fact that someone is that excited to see me whenever I come around is just the best. Zoya is just so full of energy and life. It is nice to be around her. Needless to say, she definately makes me have my A game on. The day went on and Gram went back to Pella and some interesting events happened. Then we sent the kids to bed, and Cub went to party. We sat and talked to Jen for at least 2 hours. I feel like the reason Jen and I butt heads is because we are pretty similar. We talked a lot and things definately got said that needed to be said. Jen has the ability to actually hear what I say and I can tell she knows what I am saying. She tries to understand which helps, and then she has her input which allows me to know she is listening. In those moments I could feel God. He guides you when He knows that we need his help. In those times, I feel stronger than ever. Sometimes you just need an extra little boost to say the things that you normally wouldn't, and that is what he gives me.

I am growing up people...yes it is weird. I definately do not feel like the same girl who was out at the bar everynight for 4 months in a row. I have done so many things that probably should not have happened, but I would not change any of them for they have formed me into the woman that I am today. God is using my trials for other people to learn from. I will never be perfect, nor will I ever claim to be. I believe that God is Love, and he has shown me that love. I hope everyone allows God to live through them and in them. To allow them to grow in amazing ways. Let him make you be the best version of you.

GOD IS LOVE.

22 days people!

I don't even know how to start to explain how amazing my friends and family is. I am beyond blessed to have these people in my life. I know that everyone has their down day...and I have probably have said more than once how annoyed or irritated with them I am, but if I am down these people are here to pick me up everytime. They have nothing but nice things to say about me when I am probably the last person that deserves that. I am so excited for my birthday this year, which I guess I always am but this year especially. I wish my Mary was here, but with that exception this will be the best 21st birthday yet. I love all of you and you know who are you :)

Yes Please

How is nothing good enough?? I am unpleaseable. Everyday people go out of there way for me by doing things that they definately do not have to do. Like set crafts up for me at work, get me breakfast or a soda, take me to dinner, give me some money...I mean whatever really. Not to mention...It happens everyday. No matter what I feel like I am unpleaseable. The breakfast was cold. I wasn't given enough cash. Dinner wasn't from where I wanted to go. I mean freaking knock it off. People are helping you out of the goodness of their hearts...

I find myself this week thinking that I know what is best for people instead of them knowing. I cant figure out why I think this. Just because you are dating someone I don't like does NOT mean they are a bad person...I just know how amazing you are and maybe they aren't as amazing. Just because you aren't staying home with your child all day everyday does NOT mean that you are a bad mom. I need to realize that I am not always right and my opinions don't always matter. That is my problem...I am very good at speaking up and voicing my thoughts but not very good at getting them knocked down. Everyone is different...Everyone matters...Everyone CAN change the world. I just have to open my eyes to see it....

Forever or For now...

Over my life...which hasn't been very long...I feel like I have been exposed to many breakups. I was going through some facebook pictures and looking at couples that I thought would be together forever. I started dwelling on it really...My parents, my friends boyfriends, new marriages, brad and jen (yes pitt and aniston). I mean what makes these relationships fail? What makes the sparks die? How do you get so wrapped up that you don't want to make it work?

As everyone can relate to, friends are starting to get married and have babies. I am probably one of the luckiest friends because most of my friends haven't really boarded that train. I just wonder why these people want to get married so young? I am 23 years old and no where near ready to be married. I am the most selfish person on the planet. I have grown oh so much since high school and come to realize why my previous relationships dont work and grow from the relationships in the past. Those are stepping stones getting you to where you need to be for the one you're going to spend your life with. Don't get me wrong...if you think you are ready do it. If you have found the one...marry him/her. All I am going to say is be smart about it.

I honestly feel like these days marraige is a joke. People do not take it seriously at all. How can you look at your marriage and say Oh well I can just divorce him/her? That mentality is crazy to me. I have been through divorce. I have seen others go through divorce. It is hell. Nothing is ever the same. No matter how good your parents get along you aren't a family anymore. I could go on about divorce for hours and pages....but nothing I could say applies to everyone. I just know one thing...I will never be divorced. So when you all decide to get married, just make sure there is not an ounce of doubt. Nerves yes always...but no doubt. This is not a race to the alter...it is your life.

to be or not to be....your friend.

I have been friends with the same people for roughly....my whole life. I mean on my two hands I can count my best friends. Sarah Felt, Staci Herr...those are the longest runners on my list...Heather Hooper (aka Head), Kate D, Lindsey Frost, Mary Fox, Dk, Lancatron and Noonie!

Over the course of 23 (almost 24) years, people have been added and people have come off the list. The question that has been on my mind is...What makes these people my friends?? Or better yet...what makes a friend?? Is it how much time we spend with these people? Or how often you talk to them?? Or how well they know you? I mean how do you know if they are worth the fight? I would like to think that no matter what I am willing to set time aside for anyone that would like to spend time with me, or even just wanna have a bbm conversation. Most of the people on my "list" have been there since kindergarten. How do you know when it is your time to let them go? How do you know that they have served their purpose in your life?? Or when is it time to realize that you guys have just grown too far apart??

For those of you who don't know me...I used to be a very angry and dark person. I had a lot of built up hate and anger towards people and things that had happened to me. I let that anger consume me. Honestly, it was who I was for such a long time I didn't really know how to let go. One day...the worst/best thing happened to me. My boyfriend said you are the most miserable person I know. You break people down and tear them apart. You take everyone down to your level which is just pure hate and anger. As you can imagine...that crushed me. Then I found God...and I know how corny it sounds but God took all that anger and made me realize that I had these things happen for a reason. That's when Sarah came in, and gave me this prayer, the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; wisdom to know the difference; Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He didn this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. I have realized that this prayer answers all those questions for me. If someone doesn't want to be my friend, this prayer answers it. If someone is holding onto anger, this prayer answers it. If I am doubting someone, this prayer says what I need to hear.

Whatever it is that I am doing with my life, my friends want what is best for me. They may have a different opinion on that sometimes, but at the end of the day they are my rock. They take my side when I think everyone is against me, they show me the way when my light goes out, and they give me love when my heart feels empty. I love every single one of my friends because of something different. None of them are the same. Yet at the same time, they all know exactly what I need all the time. I love you guys so much. No words could ever say exactly how I feel about you. I hope you all know that...

Hawkeye For Life!

I feel like I am a huge Hawkeye fan! Just love a man in uniform...but there is something special about a bunch of men hitting each other for the rush and satisfaction of pure ego that is nothing but amazing! Yesterday the boys just weren't on their A game.

However on halloween I made my first appearance at Kinnick, and let me tell you what best day of my life so far. I love that whether you know anyone or not for those 4 hours we are one. We are all there for the same reason...The Hawks. They for sure proved to us that day that we are a 4th quarter team. Watching that game, I realized that it takes someone special to play football at that level and up. All those fans...I believe they said yesterday that there was 70,000 people in Kinnick? Holy Cow! Not to mention the people watching! How is letting down over roughly guessing here 250,000 people even an option?? I mean I get tingles thinking about that game. You know what though...even in the worst times (stanzi's 6 interception throws) I never lost faith or gave up hope. Maybe they didn't do it this weekend but next week is a totally different ball game.

I believe. Those words alone are enough. And if those aren't enough I have faith. Not only in those football players but in my family and my friends. I promise everytime I write I won't talk about Mary:), but when she left one of my best friends, Sarah Ann Felt, said ,"This is a test of your character and to build your character." I'll never forget that. The way we respond to things allows people to see how we are growing. Now I am going to be honest, there are still days that are hard. When certain songs come on, going to dinner and church on Thursdays, and just remembering stuff. But look at the good in everything, Mary is helping her family right now and they need her more than I do right now, and Lindsey and I have gotten really close which I love, and I try to keep positive because that is what Mary does. Glass half full right? I am shaping myself right now, and I am not going to say that I have anything right yet, but the best part is that it is all coming together.

Free Day Friday

Friday...the only day of the week that I actually don't have anything to do. I thought to myself that i would start a blog. My best friend Mary just moved to North Carolina and I really just want her to keep up to date with my life since I am with hers.

I truely do not have anything really important to do today. Which really is rare. But a lot of things have been on my mind. Last night I found out that a friend of mine (if you would call her that) is getting a divorce. I always kinda knew that it would happen just more a question of when...but still its just kinda hitting me weird. I have been realizing that judging other people says more about you than it does about the person you were judging. I just feel like i need to reach out and let him know he is not alone. EVER